What is Enmeshment?
"Some things are too silent to be seen, but loud enough to be felt every day."
-Unknown
Genuine Relationships vs. Enmeshment
In many high-control religious environments, relationships are framed as sacred—designed for mutual support, accountability, and spiritual growth….[but they] are something else entirely: a structure of surveillance, fear-based loyalty, and enmeshment masquerading as care. -quote from Elise Heerde, in “I Thought We Were Friends“
What is enmeshment?
Enmeshment describes a relationship dynamic where personal boundaries are blurred and individuals are overly involved in each other’s lives, to the point of losing a clear sense of self and independence. It’s characterized by a lack of individual privacy and an extreme form of emotional closeness where individuals are intertwined in an unhealthy way. The failure to experience freedom from such familial (or group) influence & involvement often leads to a loss of individual identity and autonomy.
Do enmeshed people know they are enmeshed?
In many cases, people in enmeshed relationships, particularly those in dysfunctional group/family dynamics, are not consciously aware of the enmeshment. They may not recognize the lack of boundaries, excessive emotional closeness, or the resulting lack of autonomy. It can take a significant amount of distancing or reflection to realize the extent of the enmeshment.
What are signs of enmeshment?
-Invasion of privacy
-micromanaging
-guilt manipulation
-independence is discouraged
-”no outsiders” mentality
-fear of disappointment
-over-involvement interpersonally
-interference in relationships (over insertion into private/intimate or 1-1 relationships)
-3rd parties being overly affected (mentally/emotionally) by decisions or outcomes that don’t personally involve them
What are common feelings when one is enmeshed?
When enmeshed, common feelings include anxiety, difficulty with boundaries, emotional dependence, low self-esteem, and a lack of individual identity. These feelings can stem from the blurring of personal boundaries and the need to constantly seek acceptance, approval or validation from others.
Do enmeshed people like drama?
Yes, enmeshed people may gravitate towards drama, as it can be a way to maintain a sense of connection and control in their relationships. In enmeshed systems, boundaries are blurred, leading to over-involvement, over-dependence and a lack of individual identity & autonomy. This can result in individuals within the people group creating or seeking out situations that provide a sense of drama or conflict.
Are enmeshed people conflict habituated?
Yes, enmeshed people are often conflict habituated.
What is conflict habituation?
Conflict habituation refers to becoming accustomed to or normalizing friction and conflict in a relationship, often to the point where it’s expected or sought out. People who are conflict habituated have a tendency to engage in heightened emotional conversation or disputes because having a sense of conflict or dissonance has become familiar or expected. Conflict habituation can lead to a feeling of unease or discomfort when friction or conflict is not present, as individuals may feel that something is missing or the relationship is lacking and “not deep enough.”
Do enmeshed people have a hard time extending empathy and compassion?
Yes. Boundaries are a prerequisite for compassion and empathy. We can’t connect with someone unless we’re clear about where we end and they begin. If there’s no autonomy between people, then there’s no compassion or empathy, just enmeshment. (Brene Brown, PhD)
Are enmeshed people/groups defensive?
Yes, enmeshed groups are often defensive, particularly when their group/family dynamics are questioned or challenged. This defensiveness stems from a strong need for unity and loyalty within the group/family, where differing opinions or concerns coming from others (particularly “outsiders”) can be seen as threats to the existing structure.
Are enmeshed people prone to gossip?
Enmeshed people often engage in gossip, particularly within their group or family system, as it can be a way to maintain a sense of closeness and shared experience. Gossip can serve as a way to connect and discuss each other’s lives, even if it’s critical or judgmental.
Is being enmeshed traumatic?
Yes, enmeshment can be traumatic. It disrupts healthy boundaries and emotional development, potentially leading to mental health issues like depression, anxiety, and low self-esteem. This dynamic can also hinder identity formation and make it difficult to form healthy relationships (outside the enmeshed group/family), even into adulthood.
How does a person heal from enmeshment?
Healing from enmeshment, a dynamic characterized by blurred boundaries and excessive emotional interdependence between a group of people, involves:
-establishing clear personal boundaries
-developing a stronger sense of self
-seeking professional help
It’s a journey that requires patience, self-compassion, and a commitment to disentangling from unhealthy patterns. All of these things take time.
What is autonomy?
Autonomy refers to a person’s ability to make decisions and act independently, in accordance with their own beliefs and values. It involves having the freedom to make decisions and assuming the responsibility for the consequences of those decisions.
Why is autonomy important?
Autonomy, the ability to make one’s own decisions and live by one’s own values, is a fundamental psychological need. Healthy individuals exercise autonomy and respect and support the autonomy of others. In other words: “If we have chosen the right people to think of as wise, they will be excited to see us develop our own ability to think independently” (instead of conforming or adhering to what we’re taught to think or believe). Eleanor Gordon-Smith
- When individuals have the freedom to make choices based on their values, desires, and goals, they experience a sense of personal empowerment and fulfillment.
- Autonomy is closely tied to mental health. When people feel they have control over their actions and choices, they are more likely to experience a sense of purpose, self-esteem, and satisfaction. On the flip side, feeling forced into decisions or having your freedom limited by outside forces can lead to stress, anxiety, and depression.
- Autonomy fosters intrinsic motivation, meaning people are more likely to be motivated by personal interest or values rather than external pressures or rewards. This leads to greater creativity, innovation, and productivity in all areas of life.
What is the relationship between enmeshment & autonomy?
Enmeshment and autonomy exist on opposite ends of a spectrum regarding personal boundaries, emotional independence, and self-determination.
In enmeshed relationships, autonomy is often compromised. Because the emotional lives of individuals are overly intertwined, it can be difficult for an individual within a group to feel free to express themselves independently/uniquely/differently or make decisions without concern for how they may impact the whole (and whether they will still be “approved of” as an individual)
In autonomous relationships, individuals maintain a healthy sense of self, allowing them to make decisions and set boundaries while still maintaining connection with others.
