Red flags are warning signs (i.e. a sort of “sixth sense”). A red flag indicates something or someone you’re in contact with is suspect. At face value things may sound or appear ok yet something triggers your gut, leading you to believe more is actually happening below the surface. This may lead you to take pause, hesitate and/or resist moving forward in a given direction or relationship.
If you observe a red flag, you may feel inclined to dismiss it, as if you’re overreacting to something seemingly benign. You may think to yourself:
“Was that observation really a big deal?” or
“Am I reading between the lines too much?” or
“Is my imagination on overdrive?” or
“Should I really distance myself from this friendship or these people because of a notion…something that’s perceived but not concrete”?
*People want things to work out, so they convince themselves that the red flag is a one-time instance and “no big deal.”
*Optimism bias leads them to believe, “It won’t happen to me” or “This situation is different.”
*Once emotionally invested, it becomes harder to see red flags as valid & walk away
*Love, loyalty, or the fear of starting over can cause someone to rationalize the negative interactions that raise red flags
*Holding conflicting thoughts (e.g. “I care about these people,” vs. “This feels unhealthy”) creates discomfort; to reduce that discomfort, the mind justifies or downplays behavior that it would normally find alarming.
Especially in Christian circles, giving people the benefit of the doubt is virtuous. Suspending judgment and overlooking offenses is honorable. Similarly, witnessing oddities and responding with grace and empathy is respectable. Because of these things, Christians may overlook a red flag thinking it is a “me” problem (I’m wrong for judging what I don’t know).
However, when it comes to intuition or doubts about observations within OI, ex-members would tell people who are exploring OI to honor their doubts. If something subtle causes a notion in the gut or an eyebrow to raise, wisdom is taking heed.
Here are examples of red flag thoughts:
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Why does something feel “off” in a way I can’t explain or put my finger on?
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Why does that rub me the wrong way?
* * *
What is this “loaded language” and why does it make me feel weird?
* * *
Why does that person talk-down about other Christians?
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Why does there seem to be a sensitivity chip missing?
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How can my feelings or perspective be “wrong”?
* * *
That was inappropriate. Isn’t someone going to say something…
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Why was what I just shared completely dismissed….
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Why do I feel like he/she/they are tone deaf?
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Why, when I thought I explained myself well, do I feel so misunderstood and unheard…
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(I’m shutting down.)
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I will default to being agreeable and passive and hope this ends soon.
* * *
I feel uneasy and/or fearful.
* * *
I loathe feeling this way.
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I wish I could get out of this.
* * *
I’m really trying to be good.
* * *
Why do I feel like I have to be honest at the expense of being kind?
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